i have mentioned about the girl Kelly who passed last thursday when she was hit by a car. i did not know her- i had never even met her. but her life and legacy has impacted me in ways i never expected. i got a text on monday from ryder asking any of the leaders to be at wyld life (middle school version of wyld life) club at great bridge if possible. so i woke up bright and early to be there. it was insane. kids filled the gym to the brim. i have never seen a bigger club in my life.... definitely over 200 kids. they played games. girls were there wearing their cheerleading uniforms and BIG pink and yellow bows in honor of Kelly. friends gathered to have fun because that is how she would have wanted it. a couple of the leaders (they are in high school) have been non-stop with kelly's friends comforting them and just being with them. it was beautiful to see them all there doing what they do. they put together a little video filled with pictures of kelly. it brought me to tears. kellys best friends stood up and said things about kelly and how much she meant to them. more tears. then Katy, kellys sister and best best friend stood up and said a few words. she hardly got through it. my heart ached for katy and her family and her friends the deepest it ever has in that week for for them. i could sense the hurt. katy was so strong though. she told the middle schoolers to call her and they could hang out. oh it was so sweet.

i went to the funeral after and it brought more tears.

losing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly at age 13 is hard. what do you tell the family? what do you tell her friends? i do not know- i still dont. all i know is that somehow we do tell them things and jesus is speaking in that. i do not know why kelly had to leave- i dont think anyone does or ever will. all i know is that christ is in this. katy valentine told me the other night "this whole experience had just made me so much closer to christ, i can feel him everywhere i go." i know christ is in this. i have learned how precious life is. in a instant this world that we know could be gone. life is not a guarantee but an after-life with jesus is, if you accept that. how sweet that is. so put on your heavenly dwelling because this world is temporary. i tent compared to a palace. for that, we have reason to celebrate.

precious joyous life.

3 months & sweet Kelly

it is actually less than three months now- crazy. but yesterday was too good to stop and blog. it was easter and finally the first easter in a long time here in chesapeake that was beautiful. the weather was awesome (josh says too hot, but to me so pretty) we went to church service with my family. after hid eggs for Jaydon and Savannah (my niece and nephew) and then josh ad i were beach bound. we ate popsicles from the icecream man, little lunch at mcdonalds, played with my new rio toy from my happy meal, and got sunscreen before we went. stopped and got lemonade from 711 on the way too (my favorite summer time treat) at 711 we saw a man wearing JNCO shorts.... which is funny. we went to the north end where josh proposed and sat and talked and played and walked. it was so great. i loved yesterday and i loved the time we spent together laughing and sitting and just being. we talked about our plans for august and our excitement to come in the next months as we prepare to be with each other forever. sometimes it is just nice to be with someone- its easy to be with josh. no pressure to carry on a conversation. there are very few people in my life i feel that way about. one time josh and i were eating dinner at wendys and he stopped in the middle of dinner looked at me and smiled. i asked him what he was smiling about and he just kinda shook his head but if you know me im persistent so i asked again. he said "i was just thinking of how much i love you and love being with you. i like that i feel like i dont have to put on a show and carry on a conversation. i can just be with you. youre the only girl i have ever felt that way with." i blushed of course (that is a really sweet thing to say) then i distinctly remember a family of all boys being really loud next to us. but i loved that moment so much and was reminded of it yesterday. easter dinner was delicous, my mom is an awesome cook. it was nice to be with family. at night we hung out with some of the leaders at the boys house and i made rice krispie treats.... yummm.

the day before was also very fun and a summer preview 2011. katie hackett and jess and i sat on her back porch all afternoon, made brownies, listened to britney spears first cd, and played with jess' ducklings. they were SO cute. we drove to farm fresh (with the top down) made dinner and dessert and friends came over after to hang out. it was just such an awesome weekend. i know jesus gave that to me.

wocka- he loved me.

on another note- i am reminded today of life. and how precious it is. i am wearing pink and yellow in honor of Kelly Valentine. a daughter, sister, and friend to many. read libbys blog for an inspiring message about it all.

3 months & sweet Kelly

valentine family

it cold here. josh would beg to differ... he says its perfect outside. i say its freezing. wednesday i sat on the beach with some of my favorite girls and we relaxed... i used spf- no burn for me. (if you know me youd know that i am a HUGE believer in sun protection.... i wrote an entire research paper on it) i love the smell of sunscreen too. and the wind was awful but we made do. the sand between my toes.... the water was freezing, but i still went in (lasted 30 seconds) it was so refreshing.... weve had a long winter here in chesapeake- at least to me. so now its cold today and im angry... but it should turn up again tomorrow.

last night i got a text from one of our leaders- a wyld life girl from gb middle got hit by a car and was in critical condition. then an email later confirmed her death. her name is Kelly Valentine and she was only 13 years old. how do you deal with that? my heart goes out to the family. please pray for them.... i cannot imagine.

valentine family

dramatic.

i have always been quite dramatic. my parents always told me that- it was sometimes a good thing sometimes bad. i swore up and down when i was little that i would be famous. i used to do impressions... its kinda of funny/embarrassing to look back on now. i was also one of the lead roles in the 8th grade play. i was french and thought i had a good accent... i did not really. but i still loved being on stage none-the-less. anyways my last post was dramatic. i mean i was upset do not get me wrong, but a little too upset. i needed to vent ad so i blogged. i figured out my schedule. the writing center expedited my test to be graded (i passed) and this morning when i woke up i was able to register. so i did and i do not have class on tuesdays or thursdays. i am not taking the classes i really wanted to take, but the ones i absolutely needed were not full yet. its funny how we do that.... freak out over nothing and do not trust God with it all. he knew.... he knew all along that it would be fine. i did not trust and that was dumb of me to not do. this will be a reminder to me in the next coming months with wedding and life planning. i will constantly remind myself that God is whispering to me"ally- trust me. i am for you. I have you in my hands and I love you more than life and therefore I give you life." thank you God for that reminder.

Lately i have had a thirst to just get up and go somewhere. i am sick of feeling lazy. i want to travel so badly. cail and i might venture to boston in the end of may which i am so excited about. i want a job so desperately too. i have applied a lot of places but no luck. i have also felt really drained, left out, and heavy lately. i feel drained from all my insecurities. i have felt distant from my friends. and i have had a heavy heart because of it all. i feel more than ever that satan is rotting at my feet just waiting for an opportunity to catch me and make me feel alone like i have so often in the past. circumstances with friends and family and josh have not worked in favor of me and my heart, and therefore i feel unconscious and ready to break down and flip out any moment. i have been on edge so the littlest of things have hurt me- a lot. it all adds up. i need now more than ever to cling to the Lord. i can't let this break me... its been tough lately but i will persevere. looking back it was not so much the scheduling part that was breaking me down- but rather the root of it all. i have to change that. i can only do that with jesus...

wedding stuff: bridesmaid dresses came in and they look awesome! i love them. ordered the cake and invitations. things are coming together. right now i am on the hunt for jewelry- i was going to wear Libby's but since they are gold it does not work (sad bc i loved those the most) my list of to-dos keeps getting longer, but i am not worried lately... i know He has it all planned. ceremony location is officially inside- i reluctantly agreed but I know it will be better. almost three more months.... WOW.

dramatic.

a mess.

i am a mess right now. i do not know what to do but type. i really just want to scream and throw something really hard (shocking- no one really admits that they want to do that when they are upset. its taboo, but ill admit it. or maybe it is just me.) i am in the odu library crying. luckily not sobbing i am holding it together a little. i cannot sign up for classes because of the writing placement test at odu. there is a hold on my account and it will not be fixed until tuesday. i came to odu today to fix that and meet to apply for a student loan. the writing center did nothing for me and neither did financial aid. i know it may not seem like a big deal that there is a hold on my account but i was supposed to sign up for classes on wednesday. registration started on Monday, but everyone is given a certain time when they will be able to sign up, and it all depends on how many credit hours you have. (seniors go first, then juniors, and sophmores and freshman) i had my schedule planned. classes only on MWF. i am substitute teaching next year so i would have Tuesdays and Thursdays off to do so. now those classes are getting full with only a few spots left. Open registration starts this monday so basically i am not going to be able to get into the classes i need to. especially because once youre an upper-classmen, classes are not vast to choose from. you have to take certain classes and there are not many alternatives. one class i need i emailed the professor last semester to sign up and he would not let me in. is this circumstance different? i hope so. i HATE emailing professors to try to get into full classes. my schedule is all wack now and i STILL cant sign up for classes. i am so so so upset and fed up with school. please pray this all works out. i know it may not seem like a big deal and this seems like a wasted post but its a huge deal to me. how am i supposed to trust god in situations like this? i cant right now and ill admit that. im trying really hard but given the fact that i am crying in public, i dont think i am trusting him. i do not see how this will work out. im sorry lord for thinking that and admitting that. i know you have my plans and my future but this is just so stressful. sometimes, i just want to scream... right now is one of those times.

a mess.

what else is true?

this week has been kinda crazy. i have had a lot of school work to turn in- and i procrastinate. josh and i had papers due last night so we have been working on them really hard to get them finished. josh is better at history than i am. its hard for me to swallow that... im a control freak and feel like i need to have it all together, but i dont. and i needed joshs help on this paper. i need to learn that sometimes its okay to need help. and sometimes its okay that you are not perfect. in theory, i know i am far from perfect. i know that jesus is the only perfect one. i know that in my mind an heart. but i cant help but try to be. i need everything perfect, i want everything perfect, and i need to be perfect. those are my thoughts. constantly i am trying to control things so that they will be perfect. and get super frustrated when they are not. ITS OKAY AL. i tell myself that over and over, and something inside just screams back NO, NOT YET ITS NOT. how does josh deal with this controlling nature? im not sure. no wait i am sure, he is guided by the lord to love me. i am not perfect and i am trying to learn that thats okay...

last night one of my favorite people, Anne Rolfe came and talked to us girl leaders last night for a special addition sheville on a thursday night. it was so good. she asked if anyone feared the future- everyone looked at me and i snickered. i have been in fear of it lately. getting married at 20 is scary. im young. its okay, libby told me i need to own that so i have been. but its still scary. marraige is scary in general, so at my age its really scary. but i need to wake up everyday and tell myself "okay yes its true that you are young, getting married, still in school, etc., BUT what else is true?" ... "i have a Gd that is for me not against me, i have a loving father who had granted me the holy spirit to guide me. God holds my future." THATS THE IMPORTANT PART. we so often leave the real truths out.
josh and i had a interesting conversation on the way home from odu last night. he said he didnt want us to lead because we feel like we have to or need to. we dont. he is right. i dont need to lead at grassfield. i dont need to lead in chesapeake. i dont need to lead at all. the lord has a plan and he allows me, yes  me to be a part of it. he invited me into it and i learn. i dont need to do this- its a privilege. the second i forget that it becomes about me and how hard leading is and how much time i give away. i forget that i signed up to do this and that i am no more righteous for it. i do it because the lord has blessed me enough to do so. i finally feel for the first time in leading that i am doing something and the lord is setting a fire within to do so. and i love that. thank you for that. josh and i really want to live amongst the people- it is not possible yet (who knows, the lord may have something up his sleeve for a place for josh and i to live in chesapeake next year.) but thats okay. we couldnt imagine not leading together next year. were sharing our lives together and since ministry is a huge part of that, we couldnt skip out on doing it together. living in norfolk and leading in chesapeake will be hard. we need to put our marriage first... but well make it work because...

  we have a God who is for us not against us.

what else is true?

i just want to dance forever.

warning- this post will be long. i have a lot to say today.
this weekend was pure joy. i mean it. not a ton of other ways to describe it. Libby does not have cancer anymore- and one of my best friends Katie Meehan wanted to celebrate.  and what better way to do that than a girls weekend at the river house? laughter, dancing, music, and pillow pets filled the house. literally all of that.

tommys bday party was friday night- queeny danced and it was the funniest and bravest things ever. the whole night was great. then off to the river house. ryder was gone for the weekend and we had planned on going to km's beach house but it ended up working out to just stay at the river house. which was perfect.
saturday morning Ava woke us up earlyish- most of us only got a few hours of sleep each night (i was a g-ma on saturday night and sad i missed some conversations....little mad at myself for that) we ate dunkin donuts. ava went down for a nap and we read some scripture and did a bible study and shared our hearts. it was beautiful. we read 2 Corinthians 4:7-18. we learned that we have life because of jesus christ dying on the cross. and we will hurt sometimes- but jesus is always there. i talked about how i have been worshiping lately. [refer to my previous post entitled "knoxville" where i talk about this] i will elaborate more on it right now though- bc i am that passionate about it. i never really knew how to sit down and worship. but a few weeks ago, i started to sit and listen to classical music or sometimes christian music. and i dance- in my head. i wish there was a place for me to actually dance. id love to go to a studio at eleven at night and just be free. but i cant so in my head does just fine. but i have found my worship. i imagine jesus with me sometimes dancing too, or he just watches and cries tears of joy of course and smiles and claps. he thinks it is beautiful even if i have not stretched in forever and can't spot like i used to. he thinks i am gorgeous- he loves me that much. and that was really big for me. ill dance forever in heaven i know it.

never in my life have i felt closer to these girls. if i am being honest- i have never felt like i have had friends. my best friend caileigh moved to italy when we finished 4th grade. then i moved school districts. and girls were mean. i was awkward looking in middle school, and dint have friends i hung out with very much. then in high school i was teased a ton in 9th grade. i had my two best friends and that was it. plus caileigh now lived in MD so i could only visit every so often. i have always felt alone- especially my freshman and sophomore year of college. that is the first two years josh and i dated, and it is ironic because i have never felt more alone in my life. at least in middle school i had fake friends i hung out with sometimes. but not those two years- i had no girl friends and i never knew how much that affected me. but it did. a lot. it still does too with insecurities around girls. so i prayed about it. i asked the Lord to send me friends. and he provided. the summer was filled with college girls back from their freshman year. we got close and hung out a lot and shared at sheville. then came summer staff. libby was supposed be there. but i know now that the Lord wanted km and i to be close. and thats exactly what we did. we got close. and now she is a bridesmaid in my wedding. so when these girls come home from college we hang out and get goofy. and i don't feel alone anymore. i have friends. even when they are at college, the lord has sent kh and mended a broken relationship with kb. and i have jesus to thank for that.

saturday girls went and got pillow pets. not me, i have patrick and am about to be married and know i cant have a pillow pet lying around so itd end up in goodwill in a couple months. even leslie got one... which is funny if you knew her. libby got one too- well it is for ava, but libby didnt want to miss out too. seven pillow pets all together. we have a few videos on facebook with them. check them out- theyre funny. we made dinner (mostly kb and jess) and made milkshakes. and danced. and then we worshiped. it was so great. my favorite song of the night:

no place id rather be
then here in your love
so set a fire down in my soul
that i cant contain 
that i cant control
i want more of you god.

i love you girls. so much. libby- your hair is cut and its sassy and cute. you dont look the least bit sick anymore. youre officially DONE. thank you jesus for everything. death has lost it's grip on me and i don't deserve that but you give it to me anyway.
Philippians 1:21 "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

i just want to dance forever.

chicken biscuits.

no doubt i am spoiled rotten by josh. every friday morning he disciples a hickory guy named zach. hickory is great school to lead at because you can eat at chickfila right by the high school. and every friday morning he buys an extra chicken biscuit and brings it by before school. it is the sweetest. i just know that he loves me because i am that spoiled. thanks j for the chicken biscuits. they are my favorite and the delivery man is even better.

right now i am trying to figure out my federal aid for next year. the deadline is in June but i cannot file my status as married until i actually am married. the live chat person was not very much help. i am not sure what to do. i do not think with my parents income i will receive what i need. there are income restrictions for renting an apartment and our income doesn't come near to it so basically we need some proof of financial aid for me, not to mention i need it anyway. this is frustrating me right now so sorry for complaining. i think i will set up a meeting with the financial aid office at odu next week. i need to get this rolling.

not much to say today so not sure why i post... thanks everyone for contacting me with advice on things from my last post. really excited for this weekend with the chesapeake girls.

chicken biscuits.