what else is true?

Friday, April 8, 2011

this week has been kinda crazy. i have had a lot of school work to turn in- and i procrastinate. josh and i had papers due last night so we have been working on them really hard to get them finished. josh is better at history than i am. its hard for me to swallow that... im a control freak and feel like i need to have it all together, but i dont. and i needed joshs help on this paper. i need to learn that sometimes its okay to need help. and sometimes its okay that you are not perfect. in theory, i know i am far from perfect. i know that jesus is the only perfect one. i know that in my mind an heart. but i cant help but try to be. i need everything perfect, i want everything perfect, and i need to be perfect. those are my thoughts. constantly i am trying to control things so that they will be perfect. and get super frustrated when they are not. ITS OKAY AL. i tell myself that over and over, and something inside just screams back NO, NOT YET ITS NOT. how does josh deal with this controlling nature? im not sure. no wait i am sure, he is guided by the lord to love me. i am not perfect and i am trying to learn that thats okay...

last night one of my favorite people, Anne Rolfe came and talked to us girl leaders last night for a special addition sheville on a thursday night. it was so good. she asked if anyone feared the future- everyone looked at me and i snickered. i have been in fear of it lately. getting married at 20 is scary. im young. its okay, libby told me i need to own that so i have been. but its still scary. marraige is scary in general, so at my age its really scary. but i need to wake up everyday and tell myself "okay yes its true that you are young, getting married, still in school, etc., BUT what else is true?" ... "i have a Gd that is for me not against me, i have a loving father who had granted me the holy spirit to guide me. God holds my future." THATS THE IMPORTANT PART. we so often leave the real truths out.
josh and i had a interesting conversation on the way home from odu last night. he said he didnt want us to lead because we feel like we have to or need to. we dont. he is right. i dont need to lead at grassfield. i dont need to lead in chesapeake. i dont need to lead at all. the lord has a plan and he allows me, yes  me to be a part of it. he invited me into it and i learn. i dont need to do this- its a privilege. the second i forget that it becomes about me and how hard leading is and how much time i give away. i forget that i signed up to do this and that i am no more righteous for it. i do it because the lord has blessed me enough to do so. i finally feel for the first time in leading that i am doing something and the lord is setting a fire within to do so. and i love that. thank you for that. josh and i really want to live amongst the people- it is not possible yet (who knows, the lord may have something up his sleeve for a place for josh and i to live in chesapeake next year.) but thats okay. we couldnt imagine not leading together next year. were sharing our lives together and since ministry is a huge part of that, we couldnt skip out on doing it together. living in norfolk and leading in chesapeake will be hard. we need to put our marriage first... but well make it work because...
  we have a God who is for us not against us.


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