his leadership astounds me already...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It has been a long week for Josh and I. We have been having some real conversations. It has been rough- no one ever realizes how tough a relationship is until they fall in love and they become real. It's not all cake and frosting- relationships are real and hard- yet so so good. I have never met anyone who has loved me better than Josh has. He knows me so well, everything about me. Yet he loves m anyways and that's huge for me. It is such a good picture of how Jesus loves me- yet jesus loves me even better. It's all so real- I have issues of loneliness sometimes. We all have our fair share of problems, but this is by far my worst. Josh an I lead Young Life in Chesapeake. We commute over half an hour everyday to Norfolk to get to school. I still live with my parents. I went to community college for 2 years before ODU. I have not met a single friend because of college. Not like -most people- most people meet their best friends in college. Not me- and there are other leaders in Chesapeake. But to give you some figures- there are 10 male leaders for Chesapeake and about 5 in new leader training. It will give us 15 male leaders and there are only 4 of us girls. My point is that i have not made any friends in college- and there are only 3 other girl leaders, one of which just moved here. Libby used to lead too- it is extremely hard though now that she has cancer. I have hardly any girl community here. I never just go hang out with my friends. I can't- i barely have any. My best friend, Caileigh, has always lived far away from me. We have lived in the same place 4/13 years of knowing her. I don't mean to say that the girl leaders in Chesapeake aren't my friends- they definitely are. I just feel so alone sometimes- in fact- almost all of the time. this affects Josh and my relationship a lot. I do things to "gain his attention" and it's frustrating. Josh confronted me last night and we had a really hard yet really good talk. I needed to hear some stuff- I need to be actively involved in changing this or nothing will ever happen. I need to give this to jesus and let him take it. I need to have some conversations in order to change this heavy feeling in my heart. I only have 2 years left in Chesapeake- will i waste it? The title of my favorite blog is "don't waste your cancer." I cannot help but think that I am sitting here wasting my life! This is what Josh was telling me- I cannot tell you how cool it was to see him leading me in this. I cannot wait to see him lead our family and to see us grow like this more. I feel like a weight has been lifted off- Ive got to let this go and live for christ like never before.

Thank you J- you know me best.

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