whats it like?

i am going to pause the wedding posts to talk about some stuff on my heart.

josh has been gone since 330am friday morning. saying goodbye to him was a blur... if you know my sleeping habits you know i am not the most delightful person to wake up... i sometimes am not conscious. i awoke every hour after that until 8 rolls by and i can no longer sleep. luckily one of my best friends katie hardy came over for a little ride on the tide. we spent the majority of the day together and saw "the help", a great movie very eye opening. i was distracted but when it came to get ready for bed i turned the lights off and cried. a lot. i did not know what it was like to truly miss my husband until then. i only missed him briefly during his work hours. it was weird. and a weird feeling. ever since i got married- almost a month ago- people ask me what its like. most of my friends are not married. i did not know how to explain it. i still dont. it almost felt like it wasnt real. like josh and i were playing house and we would return to the dating life soon. in my head of course i knew this was not the case- we were one and joined together forever. but it didnt feel like it was really happening. i think it is because of a few reasons.
1. i dont deserve it. im 20. i shouldnt be married. i dont deserve him. im still that lonely girl in high school. im still immature and useless to the world. im not pretty enough. im not good enough.... i realize these are all lies. but if we are being honest, i have a shattered self confidence that God and I are trying to put together but it takes time. a lot of time and patience and it is very fragile. so that thought would run through my head.
2. i was planning this for so long. and then in one day it all changes. you wait so long and plan so much for this one day, it doesnt seem real once it is over.
3. (this one hit me just today) you expect it to be like the movies. like youre life is what it is and youre waiting to be this person and meet this person that will change your life like a whirlwind. and in the movie that one day it changes everything. this one pivital part changes it all. but its a lie. i got married. it was the best day ever. the most beautiful day i could have imagined. but life goes on. and it does change. i live with a boy now in ghent on the 3rd floor. and thats the change. but im still me. im still broken and sinful me. i didnt become some married goddess. im still ally.

i think this idea is shoved in our heads that things will "only be better if [fill in the blank]" but its not true. things are different and things are sweeter but the world does not all of sudden become this phenomenal place because your wedding day has passed and youre married. i sound cynical-i know it. but there has been this part of me, this sadness since my wedding that i couldnt pin-point. not until now. and i think that the above is all why. because people continue to ask me "what is it like" as if it were supposed to be some magical fairy-tale. its no cinderella story. its just two people, two sinners thriving and trying to make it as one. and let me tell you it is beautiful. read my previous post about marriage. i love josh. that first night without him. once the lights turned out. i knew i was married because i missed him more than i thought possible. i was homesick.

with that all said, i am more excited than ever to have josh home again. to be with him. to stop thinking that marriage was the end all be all of my life. i have far more adventures to have with josh. far more journeys and paths to wonder with him. and that excites me more than ever. our life is crazy. our story is crazy. but it is ours and the wedding day was just a piece of the story. it continues on now. forever.

whats it like?