im not who i was.

Friday, May 6, 2011

EXAMS ARE OVER. okay so I really only had a few things to do since i have a limited number of classes. but this is exciting- i am mostly excited for josh. he hated this semester- he had so much to do all the time. history majors write a lot of papers. i hated this semester for him. so i am so happy those are over. we can finally do some of this wedding stuff together- like our vows. and food tasting to finalize the menu, and music.
summer is around the corner... i can taste it. this also means wedding is around the corner. i cant wait- although there is so much to do. its funny with a wedding you have this to-do list. as soon as you mark one thing off, five things get added. it is crazy and slightly annoying. sometimes i just wish i were done with it then i think about the fact that this will never happen again. i will never buy an item of clothing for that much money again. i will never marry anyone else ever. this is it... when i think about that  smile. i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with josh wherever we end up. we looked at apartments this past week. only a couple but it was so so so fun! we looked at a studio (so tiny) and a little one bedroom. in ghent. oh i cannot wait to live there with him. i have always envisioned our first place to be a little old apartment with so much charm. and that is exactly what it will be. i also bought a dresser from newport news (thanks to my guy friends who came to help me lift it) things are coming together really well.

i gave my testimony at club last monday night. i wrote it all down. i do not think i have ever done that before. i do not think that i realize how low i was in high school and how the father brought me into a life. a real life. that is how i would describe myself in high school- lifeless. i was consumed with this world and consumed with being liked. i just wanted acceptance from anyone. i look back now and cry- how precious my life is in christ. how he would pick me to be a jewel in his work and how he would pick me to die for me. matt said last week during his club talk that jesus would have come and died for you even if you were the only person on earth. are you kidding me? if it were only me.... i am worth that much? i must admit it is hard for me to grasp that and believe it.i have never had high self-esteem and i struggle a lot with that (refer to my older post: dull) i hate that i look to this world to feel accepted. i will not find it here. not a true acceptance. people love me and accept me- but if they only knew deep down, they would hate me. that is what the world is telling us and that is the lie i believe. but with christ, he gives us a new heart. we are a new creation and that is a beautiful thing. i dont need to hide behind popularity, make-up, or a man. i am my beloved and my beloved is mine. and that is the truth. so i rest in that and know that who i was before is not who i am today. and i love that. thank you lord for that. in young life we do these things called cardboard testimonies. the leaders at the end of a week of camp will share what they were before on one side. and on the other who they are in christ. that is the picture of mine from one year (i cannot remember when) it is one of the most beautiful things. i saw one man on the front it said "payed for my child to be aborted." and on the other is said "i am a precious forgiven child of christ"  there are a bunch of videos on youtube- here is one, its long but so good. listen to this song: it gives me goosebumps because im not who i was.


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