dull.

lately, i have felt like a very dull person. i feel lazy and discontent. i have not found a job to work in the mornings- i have not really looked hard. i have just been working at ny&c and that is going well, i just don't work often. so i feel dull and boring.
i recently opened up an old book of mine, given as a gift from josh's dear grandma. the ragamuffin gospel. it has changed me already. i was in a spot of discontent with myself for a while- feeling like a wreck. i have been super emotional lately, often about the tiniest of things. i blow up. i get sassy. josh pointed out a little defense mechanism of mine. whenever anyone says something to me that i take the wrong way i put this guard up and get mean about things. and then i realize i am mean and get really sad about myself. something that i realized is that whenever i am mad at someone, i am mostly mad at myself. this is where my discontent and insecurities lie within...
this is why i sometimes hate myself.
 there i said it. i typed it. its out there. that is scary for me to admit. i dont want people to think im crazy or need some sort of help or treat me differently and "boost" me up. but i do think it will help me if i get that off my chest. i say that with depth behind it. sometimes i look in the mirror and dont like what i see. not just my outer appearance, although that sometimes gets to me as it does most women. but within. i recall instances where i hurt people. where i lied. where i manipulated. and i hate it. i do not like myself and because of this i desperately want to be liked by others and thats a sin. i am a sensitive person- ask anyone, and i am. one little thing can strike a nerve and do a ton of damage. dramatic? no. its my struggle and i want people to know that. it has made me realize more than ever that no one person should ever disregard someones past or present while they are engaging in a conversation- even if you do not know that person. what you say to someone may seem light-hearted but it may not always end up like for the other person. i also want people to know that i am working on it. on it all. a lot.

but thats not me.
thats not me at all.
and i am realizing that.

on another note-
wedding plans are coming along well. save the dates are printing as i type this.
ceremony details? none. i want to get married outside. i cant imagine it anywhere else. so be prepared for the heat. however, finding the perfect location within a budget is hard. hopefully a trip down to the obx next week will clear things up a bit. we are getting so excited! less than 6 months!!!
i literally cannot believe that.
also, after researching i know my ideal wedding is shabby chic. complete with vintage everything. soft colors. i love it. and i cannot wait.

josh- you are wonderful. can i tell you that on here? k. bc i really do want everyone to know that i could not have been more blessed with a life partner. thanks for the support and the patience. love you j. only a few more days.

dull.