well this week flew by. caileigh came last wednesday night and her time here was awesome to say the least. she came to sheville with me for the first time and i knew she felt loved. that set the tone for the whole week. my friends loved her better than i did ( was grumpy on friday- sorry cail) anyways so thursday we ran around town and got some last minute things for bachlorette party/craft day. then she left to go set up my party. it was amazing. i cannot describe it. she made cupcake bites and cake-pops and we played games. i felt so loved. seriously- i have never felt that loved by a group of girls before. and that showed me so much. if you have read my blog before you would know that being comfortable with girls is hard for me with my past. and thursday night showed me that i have nothing to fear. that the past is the past and that i can move on because i have the best friends in the world. games, gifts, stories, and a little chapter of a book all made it so fun. caileigh you are such an amazing host- if all else fails, consider party planning as a career, cause you would be the bomb at it (wow- did really just use the term "the bomb"...?)
anyways, so after the shenanigans they blindfolded me and made me put on an outfit. a bride outfit. and 80s ride outfit. then all the girls dressed up as well- we did makeup (never wore that much in my life- im usually a minimalist) and teased my hair (which took about an hour to get out in the shower the next day) we looked utterly ridiculous in the best way possible. even libby dressed up- she had a mohawk, and looked like a model. caileighs hair was the size of texas, its already the size of a state but when you tease it, hard to believe it gets even better. everyone looked so good. i loved every second of it. the whole night was about me and im not always too keen on having all the attention but im the bride and that was awesome. we got slurpees and it was funny to see the reaction of people in 711.. when we got to the wave (a gay bar in norfolk) we were the only group dressed up for 80s night. and i liked that. it was so much fun- i cannot describe it to you. it was a smaller crowd that night which is good because it was super hot.

thank you girls for everything that night- i learned so much. honestly. i am so loved. oh and another thing, cail organized a gift for me from everyone. a scrapbook "advice for a happy life" it was perfect. i laughed and awwed and i loved it all. you girls are funny, and i know i am loved. thanks cail for everything- youre the best maid of honor ever and my friends adore you so come visit more often. thanks becca, queeny, katie m, leslie, libby, sarah, jess, katie hackett, ashley, katie hardy, kristin, katie brewer, alex, shannon, and caileigh of course. you all are the best and so near to my heart. thanks for sharing that night with me and thanks for backing me up on my big day in july. thanks to those who couldnt be there- ally, megan, kaylee, stef, jen, jess, and kait. you all are so dear to me.

bachlorette party.

2 months- already.

i am pretty sure i just wrote the post about 3 months twenty seconds ago... time flies. planning has been good since my last post. i have made lists [the same list four different ways] to help me get organized. and have gotten some stuff i need and am having a craft day this friday. josh and i are going to look at an apartment today & i am going to get dress alterations. everything is becoming so real. we got our first wedding gift (well actually a month ago, josh forgot to tell me) but it was so exciting! my bachlorette party is this thursday night- caileigh is coming down and i cannot wait. it seems like forever since i have seen her (it has) and we are going to have so much fun i just know it! she keeps me sane during these stressful wedding times and is willing to do anything to help. i love that about her. i could not have asked for a better maid of honor or all together best friend.

i have been reading a lot about joy lately. what it means to have joy. i have always said that in Christ there is an ever-constant joy happening inside. times may be really hard. trials of life may bring you down. and you will not always be happy. but your joy in Christ will stay with you constantly. that is how i have felt lately. kind of a mess. i have done some things lately that were insanely hard for me to do. one of them for me: i have had to admit my faults out loud. josh and i are dealing with conflict right now. we are learning how to have healthy conflict- we do not do that well. although we never hold a grudge for a long period of time and always manage to solve things fairly quickly, it is rough. but we are learning. and trying to experience what the Lord wants to teach us during those times- patience, joy, submissiveness, peace- whatever it may be. so we are praying and seeking it all. i am looking for the joy in everything lately, between hard confrontations and arguments, i am looking at what He wants to teach me/us.

2 months- already.

so much to do.

i am going over my wedding list of things to do/buy. i must admit i am going a little crazy. i look at it and it seems never ending. my room is a mess which also makes me stressed- but when i clean it it will still be a mess since there is a big pile of wedding stuff in the corner. it doesnt help that there is a woodpecker driving me insane- literally. continually pecking at our house in the wee hours of the morning, and throughout the day. it has got to be the most annoying thing in the world. it could be used as a form of torture i am convinced. i do not have much to blog about today. i am stressed when i look at this to do list. i cannot stop though- the 24th his nearing and that means only two months to go. overwhelming.

josh and i are going to look at an apartment tuesday afternoon- think its gonna be the one.

so much to do.

blog make-over.

i have not been able to sleep the past two nights- my mind has been racing with ideas and thoughts and excitement. so i decided to do a make-over. to my blog. it was much needed. it became skinnier but i absolutely loved this background and i could only make it skinny. so feel free to comment and tell me what you think. im off to try to catch some sleep... we'll see where that goes.

blog make-over.

vacation skirt.

this past week has been a blur. it has been long surprisingly- i have been a little sick since tuesday and that has been bad, but feeling much better. josh and i have gone through a ton this week. i have been stressed about wedding things and he has been trying to enjoy every second of his spare time until school starts for him on monday. with me being sick, it did not help. i have been sassy- like really sassy. i do not know where it came from, or why i have been like that lately. i have been on the defensive. and josh has been mean. it has caused a little cycle of sassy and mean between us. and has not been loving at all. that was hard. but we push through arguments and hard conversations where all you want to do is sleep....
and yesterday i felt so loved. he did not do anything in particular. it was bliss. he came over in the morning and we sat and talked. he called me after work and the kindness in his voice was new and refreshing compared to conversations in the past week which were dull. later on when josh got off work, we met up with a couple of our friends, dan and ally, to distract them before their surprise party. we met up with dan and josh at ritas when dan got off work. we love ritas. when ally and i pulled up josh just gave me a huge hug and i felt loved. there is a difference between a little hug with no meaning. and a hug with a lot of meaning. i do not know if that makes sense, but i felt the love josh had for me as he hugged me. a lot of times, we hug just to hug, but this time it was different. we ate ritas (so good) and shared some laughs. we love ally and dan, and that is a major understatement. one of josh and my favorite things to do is go on double dates. and dan and ally are so great- we blend well as a couple. the previous night we had a little dinner party with them and our other friends john and stef- it was great even though we were all sleepy. so then we suggest going to the orphanage (the yl leader boy house in hickory) where their familes and friends were waiting to surprise them. it was so great, ally did not think the party was for her (it is a little belated, but they were both away at college) it was the best. we laughed and made funny faces and caught up with our friends home from college. in the midst of the party josh grabs me and just has the sweetest look on his face and hugs me again. i loved that. doesnt seem like a big deal but it was to me. he text me when he got home and said i looked so pretty tonight. (sorry, i know most people think thats cheesy and unreal, but if you were in my shoes, youd love it too) it was such a great night. i loved everything about it. i felt love.

"this is how we know what love is:

Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."

1 John 3:16

Josh and I have decided to live by this. our love is real. there is no doubt- weve been through a lot. and it is only because of the fact stated in the verse above that we know love and feel love. he works hard for me- [literally] and works hard for patience with me. and i learn to be submissive for him. were a team. and on july 24 well officially be a team forever. i love that. thanks j for making me feel so special yesterday.

oh and about vacation skirt. before we met up with the boys last night ally and i did a little shopping at old navy and platos. i found this little jean skirt that was minty green. for some reason i loved it, even though we were just talking about how not a ton of people where jean skirts anymore. we get in the dressing room and i try this on. oh how i loved it. and i do not know why. it is not that cute- its not really cute at all. but ally and i decided that i needed it- for my honeymoon of course. i would never where this thing out and about, its a little tight and short but this little number will be solely worn for vacation purposes only. i think i loved it probably because i felt like a barbie in it and honestly its a little hideous but im obsessed with it. everyone needs a vacation skirt i have decided. i am so beyond excited for our honeymoon and to where that little skirt.... there will most definitely be a picture posted when i wear it.

vacation skirt.

im not who i was.

EXAMS ARE OVER. okay so I really only had a few things to do since i have a limited number of classes. but this is exciting- i am mostly excited for josh. he hated this semester- he had so much to do all the time. history majors write a lot of papers. i hated this semester for him. so i am so happy those are over. we can finally do some of this wedding stuff together- like our vows. and food tasting to finalize the menu, and music.
summer is around the corner... i can taste it. this also means wedding is around the corner. i cant wait- although there is so much to do. its funny with a wedding you have this to-do list. as soon as you mark one thing off, five things get added. it is crazy and slightly annoying. sometimes i just wish i were done with it then i think about the fact that this will never happen again. i will never buy an item of clothing for that much money again. i will never marry anyone else ever. this is it... when i think about that  smile. i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with josh wherever we end up. we looked at apartments this past week. only a couple but it was so so so fun! we looked at a studio (so tiny) and a little one bedroom. in ghent. oh i cannot wait to live there with him. i have always envisioned our first place to be a little old apartment with so much charm. and that is exactly what it will be. i also bought a dresser from newport news (thanks to my guy friends who came to help me lift it) things are coming together really well.

i gave my testimony at club last monday night. i wrote it all down. i do not think i have ever done that before. i do not think that i realize how low i was in high school and how the father brought me into a life. a real life. that is how i would describe myself in high school- lifeless. i was consumed with this world and consumed with being liked. i just wanted acceptance from anyone. i look back now and cry- how precious my life is in christ. how he would pick me to be a jewel in his work and how he would pick me to die for me. matt said last week during his club talk that jesus would have come and died for you even if you were the only person on earth. are you kidding me? if it were only me.... i am worth that much? i must admit it is hard for me to grasp that and believe it.i have never had high self-esteem and i struggle a lot with that (refer to my older post: dull) i hate that i look to this world to feel accepted. i will not find it here. not a true acceptance. people love me and accept me- but if they only knew deep down, they would hate me. that is what the world is telling us and that is the lie i believe. but with christ, he gives us a new heart. we are a new creation and that is a beautiful thing. i dont need to hide behind popularity, make-up, or a man. i am my beloved and my beloved is mine. and that is the truth. so i rest in that and know that who i was before is not who i am today. and i love that. thank you lord for that. in young life we do these things called cardboard testimonies. the leaders at the end of a week of camp will share what they were before on one side. and on the other who they are in christ. that is the picture of mine from one year (i cannot remember when) it is one of the most beautiful things. i saw one man on the front it said "payed for my child to be aborted." and on the other is said "i am a precious forgiven child of christ"  there are a bunch of videos on youtube- here is one, its long but so good. listen to this song: it gives me goosebumps because im not who i was.

im not who i was.