lately, i have felt like a very dull person. i feel lazy and discontent. i have not found a job to work in the mornings- i have not really looked hard. i have just been working at ny&c and that is going well, i just don't work often. so i feel dull and boring.
i recently opened up an old book of mine, given as a gift from josh's dear grandma. the ragamuffin gospel. it has changed me already. i was in a spot of discontent with myself for a while- feeling like a wreck. i have been super emotional lately, often about the tiniest of things. i blow up. i get sassy. josh pointed out a little defense mechanism of mine. whenever anyone says something to me that i take the wrong way i put this guard up and get mean about things. and then i realize i am mean and get really sad about myself. something that i realized is that whenever i am mad at someone, i am mostly mad at myself. this is where my discontent and insecurities lie within...
this is why i sometimes hate myself.
 there i said it. i typed it. its out there. that is scary for me to admit. i dont want people to think im crazy or need some sort of help or treat me differently and "boost" me up. but i do think it will help me if i get that off my chest. i say that with depth behind it. sometimes i look in the mirror and dont like what i see. not just my outer appearance, although that sometimes gets to me as it does most women. but within. i recall instances where i hurt people. where i lied. where i manipulated. and i hate it. i do not like myself and because of this i desperately want to be liked by others and thats a sin. i am a sensitive person- ask anyone, and i am. one little thing can strike a nerve and do a ton of damage. dramatic? no. its my struggle and i want people to know that. it has made me realize more than ever that no one person should ever disregard someones past or present while they are engaging in a conversation- even if you do not know that person. what you say to someone may seem light-hearted but it may not always end up like for the other person. i also want people to know that i am working on it. on it all. a lot.

but thats not me.
thats not me at all.
and i am realizing that.

on another note-
wedding plans are coming along well. save the dates are printing as i type this.
ceremony details? none. i want to get married outside. i cant imagine it anywhere else. so be prepared for the heat. however, finding the perfect location within a budget is hard. hopefully a trip down to the obx next week will clear things up a bit. we are getting so excited! less than 6 months!!!
i literally cannot believe that.
also, after researching i know my ideal wedding is shabby chic. complete with vintage everything. soft colors. i love it. and i cannot wait.

josh- you are wonderful. can i tell you that on here? k. bc i really do want everyone to know that i could not have been more blessed with a life partner. thanks for the support and the patience. love you j. only a few more days.

dull.

planning.

Well this past week has been a little crazy. We have planned so much in the past week it is crazy. My best friend came for a little unexpected visit last weekend. It was so great- well except for the part where she was sick all friday night... that was not fun. I ran to harris teeter at 5am... and I was awake. I switched to "mom mode" caileigh said. I am so happy we still got to do a little bridesmaid dress shopping though, even though we aren't going with any of those dresses. It was still a lot of fun! I can't wait until she comes back and we can go decor shopping! 

So I am currently working on these save-the-dates and hopefully will get those in the mail next week. I also figured out the hardest part about wedding planing- at least so far. The guest list. I got most of it completed now... Just collecting some addresses. I am also discussing details with my florist- she is so great and so helpful! That is a fun part. Rehearsal dinner is on it's way as well as the days before timeline and details. I love wedding planning. It is a lot of fun, I just do not want it to consume me... because then it gets dangerous. So I am trying to ease back and have a go-with-the-flow attitude for everything. The biggest thing Josh and I have on our to-do list is to finalize a ceremony site. I have my heart set on an outdoor ceremony but I am not sure if that will happen. I am just trying to sort that all out... Another fun thing Josh and I did was book our honeymoon! We are going to spend our first week as a married couple in Ocracoke. I am so excited! I have never been but know it will be so cute.

Well enough wedding, like I said I do not want it to consume me. This week Josh and I had a really good conversation about leading. Leading has been stressful and hard for me lately. I have little motivation and no self confidence in it at all. I am timid and as a young life leader, that can kill your ministry. Josh was so encouraging though. He reminded me that I have nothing to fear because I am in Christ and I am His daughter and he died for me. I am beautiful and worthy to do this work because he died for me. Something I really needed to hear... leading was a struggle for me last semester and I am taking this semester of little school to really go hard at it. I also hung out with Libby yesterday and went to the doctor with her. She amazes me. I mean truly she does. I couldn't imagine sitting in that chemo room and all the thoughts running through my head. She has such a great attitude about everything- I know it is always hard for her but she is such a fighter, and I love it. She had some really good things to share with me as well about leading. We set my goal this semester and she is holding me accountable. I thank her for her words of wisdom and her no fear in telling me that I need to do this. It is hard because it hurts your pride- but I want it to. Pride is hard to deal with but it needs to be put down and I want nothing to do with it. I know I am a sinner. I know that I am not capable of anything without Jesus guiding me, especially leading. So I put it all in Him and rest in Him and hope in Him. Everything to Him and he helps me push through the hard moments and days and weeks and months. I get through and it is because of Him. So thank you Josh and thank you Libby for pushing me to Him. I need that more than ever...

Well, I am off to get these save-the-dates printed.

Oh also, I launched a wedding website for information:

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JoshuaHenderson&AllisonHill

planning.

chai tea.

Josh and I love chai tea- but had a bad experience with it at starbucks today. we brewed it and after even 10 minutes it still tasted like water. it was gross- they gave us new ones but it was still gross. needless to say, i will not be getting chai tea from starbucks again. just stick with hot cocoa or white chocolate mocha and of course the holiday pumpkin spice latte.

well, this week has been.... weird. In my earlier post i mentioned we needed some deep prayer- how prayer works in mysterious ways. I, for some unexpected financial issues, can only take two classes this semester. I found this out last friday and it threw me a curve ball. I was, to say the least, upset. Really upset. I had to come to terms  with it, and although it is taking some time, I have already made a lot of progress. Josh, even in his frustration with the whole situation, keep me (and him) pointed to the Lord. He reminded me that the Lord puts us in situations for a reason, even if it seems bad. I know he is right, Jesus cares so much about me that even though this hurts, it is the best in the long run. So I am de-stressing (sort of) I am looking for a semi full time job. I am really really hoping and praying that the Lord would give me a job position as soon as possible. I want to use this time off of full-time student stuff to focus on Him and earn some cash for our future marriage. I have been in some desperate need of time to spend with Jesus and this is going to give me ample opportunity to do so. I am praying for patience and mostly discipline. I want to have sweet time with the Lord as I transition into this new part of life called marriage. I want to know Jesus in and out and I want him to know me too. I crave that- I need that. So the Lord will provide- I know it. He is for me and not against me. I remind myself that everyday. No matter what circumstances we are in, Jesus is there- with us. So now I stand, leaning completely on Him and Him alone. I have nothing else to turn to except Jesus and if this school situation is all for me to simply learn that that is the only thing I truly need, then I thank God for that. Please pray for a job though soon- I will go nuts sitting at home all day...

Also, here are some engagement pictures: thank you Matt Benson, I absolutely love them!

79th street

 i love my ring.

the rock where we had our first kiss...

 There are a lot more- and they are great too- some even better. Thanks again Matt- everyone should hire him bc he takes good pics and is nice to work with.

chai tea.

life is utterly crazy.

i am sorry followers for not posting in literally over a month. i wonder if anyone will even check this its been so long. to be honest, i have not felt like blogging, and if i did i was not near a computer or did not have the time to. so here it is- life as i know it since my last blog post.

the holidays were wonderful. Josh and I went up to his sisters house and stayed with them for the week before Christmas. It was wonderful to see everyone, especially his parents. We played another round of buzz word and this time team Kait, Ally, Josh, and Steven (the nonparent team) won! (thanks Steven- MVP for sure) It was so great to be there and take a little break from chesapeake. We got to meet our little niece Emma too! She is the sweetest! We went back Christmas Eve and watched It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story at the NARO theater in Norfolk. It was so great- It's A Wonderful Life is definitely one of my favorite movies. Christmas here was great too- we got up pretty early to open gifts since we joined my sister with two three-year olds. It was a great week for sure.

For New Years, Josh joined my summer staff friends in the OBX for a little reunion. It was wonderful! So much joy is in the room when all of us from august are together. Words cannot describe how full i am from that weekend and how blessed i am that going to saranac in august was apart of my plan. thank you so much Jesus for bringing us together in august- i feel so loved. its unbelievable how much our summer staff group works well together and loves each other. i seriously wouldnt trade august for the world. missed everyone who couldnt make it- theres always next time though. we shared so many good memories together and when we rejoined all together it was like we never left. we didnt skip a beat. i loved it. so much- thank you so much God. your work in us and through us is astounding. thanks for my favorite planners (matt and katie)- it turned out so great.

here are a few pics (courtesy of matthew benson)

 waterfront... nice pic josh.

 waterfront girls 

 the bensons beautiful beach abode

 us. duh.

 all the good people have names that are or rhyme with allie.

 future male leader in the peake.

 obvi- i was scared.

us in our year.

check out more on fb.

this christmas break has been rough. it keeps getting harder. so i ask for prayer. a lot of it. i cant explain everything thats going on- i can just tell you that im in-between a rock and a hard place. my prayer is that through all of the mess and weight of things, i want to catch a vision of what the Lord is trying to show me and what he is trying to make clear to me. i can tell you that i am learning to lean on christ more than ever right now- and i mean that. josh is learning too- so im sure that God has something in the wood-works for all of this mess- in fact i know He does. It is hard to learn patience to see what it is and hard to make His vision clear for me and for us right now. so thanks for 1)patience on this post 2) the prayer. i need it more than ever.

life is utterly crazy.