learning.

i am continually learning that marriage is work. we're not married yet i know- but we're working toward that goal and it is work. sometimes easier than others and sometimes really really hard. i read this thing on the internet once about marriage, it said this:

"Before I got married, I prayed that we would always feel in love.
I now realize what a naive prayer that was. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But the ooshy gooshy feelings aren't always there. They get tangled up and sometimes tossed aside in the pressures of everyday life.
That's where our love becomes a choice. A choice to step outside selfish perceptions, on going frustrations, the self-centered right to be right and make the choice to love even when our feelings beg us not to.
During the past 17 years, there have been times where we made the choice to hang on when our love was but the tiniest of threads. Other times our love seemed so strong it was inconceivable it should ever unravel.
Most days, our love has been a choice to get up everyday and retie the knots that bind us.The beautiful thing about making the choice to love, is the feelings often catch up rushing in taking us by surprise."


i loved this. i needed to hear this at that time too- i mean this was so long ago i emailed this to josh. and i just thought of it the other day. its been rough lately. ive been whiney and hes been impatient. its hard. i dont think ive been honest with really anyone lately. people ask "how are you" all the time- such a popular phrase, i must say it 20 times a day. but when i sit back and really think of my answer, its not what i usually say "im doing well." no. im not. things are a mess and my heart hurts and its hard. school is so rough, young life is hard, relationships are hard, its all hard. thats what i want to scream sometimes. it is hard. life. i know i know- so what? eveyones life is tough, get over it Al. well, im learning. im living and learning and trying so hard to understand why God has out me in these circumstances. i need to just accept it. im at where im at in life for a reason and even though its hard- im pushing through. 


i think its been especially tough lately because i have not been relying on jesus for this. i am lonely, i am scared, i feel like a burden to pretty much everyone in my life, i feel like a pointless leader, i feel my efforts are dull and lame, i just feel bad sometimes. so instead of running to jesus- i run away and hide myself in the midst of the craziness of life. and things progressively get worse because of  this. i mean- i know the answer in my head- "ally, run to jesus, cast your burdens on him." but its not that simple- really its not. its hard to run to someone you feel like isnt always there- i know he is- but sometimes i feel like if no one else cares, why should he? the creator of the universe? are you insane? me? ME? yes me. he created me. all of me, and no matter what i am HIS. his alone. on July 24 2011, God will share me with Josh, but until then i am my beloved and my beloved is mine.and josh will never know me on as deep of an intimate level as the lord does. i know this... i also have found that when josh and i are not right with the Lord- we are not right with each other. jesus is what binds us together- without him, i can promise you josh and i would be completely wrong for each other. i could give you a list, but ill spare you the details. just trust me- we would have broken up a long time ago if it weren't for christ. i love that about us- it shows that we are too weak to take this marriage on ourselves- it would be a complete and utter failure without christ. so when were off with jesus, were off with each other. and that has been our issue lately. so, we talked today in-between classes. about life and where were at- and what we need to do to fix this. so our solution? point to chirst and christ alone. were holding each other accountable to that- christ. first and foremost.


so J- i tell you this: i love you- our strands may be loose right now, but know this: you still take my breathe away. lets fix it and point each other to christ more than ever. 

learning.