blessed.

so i have this problem. its called fear and we all have it. i heard on NPR the other day (yes... i listen to that station always) and there was a man talking about human emotions. and he was saying that fear is perhaps the greatest human emotion there is. i don't necessarily agree with that but he is right, no one ever wakes up in the middle of the night because they are happy. you wake up at 3am because you're afraid. and lately I've realized how much my fear drives me, and how much i let my emotions contain me.

and its reflected in all aspects of my life. my fear is stopping me from doing something or making me do outrageous things. but mostly my fear is keeping me from joy. 

there are lots of different kinds of fears. and i think most often its shaped by your past. no one has any easy past. no ones testimony of their life is "well I've had it pretty easy, I've always been happy." were not living in barbies dream house here. instead in a broken sinful world. we all have dealt with tough stuff and hard emotions. and everything causes us to fear about the present and future and what could happen.

my fear is messy. i think one of my greatest fears though is abandonment. so instead of allowing this abandonment to happen, i withdraw. i hold back from people. i numb myself. i callous my heart and allow myself to feel nothing. 

i've pretty much been seeing lately just how far away I've distanced myself from people- and most especially distanced myself from christ. i feel pretty much alone and I'm the only person putting myself there. but jesus has shown me lately that no matter how hard i fight and run, He never gives up.

God has shown up in really big ways and proven to me that i cannot escape his love.

- i got this computer- totally unexpected and needed.

-and then when my tuition bill came in MUCH higher than expected and when i went to talk to odu there was nothing but some loan to apply for which would have a high interest rate and just be super complicated. but then i spoke with a fin aid rep, she gave me a grant for the full amount. yes a grant of x amount of money which ill never have to pay off. that doesn't happen everyday.

- i had so much anxiety about this semester. and its tough but i am actually enjoying most of my classes. i have great professors and am feeling really passionate about the sped class I'm in.

i have been blessed in so many ways and i have nothing to do but thank jesus for his sovereignty and love and grace. I'm married to the most compassionate man who loves me and takes me as i am (sass and all), i have parents and in-laws who support us and offer us so much, i live in a beautiful home, my ministry is blossoming. the list could go on and on to become the longest blog post ever.

point is the Lord is showing me that despite my fear and outrageous emotions, he is here and is going to love and provide for me no matter what. 

so slowly i am peeling back the scars I've left on my heart. i am learning not to hide in my emotions but deal with them. and I'm crawling to the foot of the cross. because thats where i belong and that is where i will find comfort and realize that i have nothing to fear. i only have to experience gut-wrenching joy that jesus offers. 

ill take that any day.


** as posted on facebook, josh went to a teacher fair yesterday, but no places are hiring quite yet because its too early in the year to see how many openings there are. so instead we will continue to pray a position opens up for next year, and pray that the Lord will guide us wherever he desires to put us.

blessed.