oh deary- i've done it again. been super busy with a whole lot of things and forgot to blog. it's okay though. right now- it is freezing. literally 32 degrees F outside. My feet are cold- they are never warm in the winter. i definitely need a thicker comforter, my dearest father loves to keep the house cold- and not just because of cost, he actually likes it like that. So winters are bitterly cold for my nose, ears, fingers and feet even in the "comfort" of my own home. okay, that's enough complaining about the cold.

Josh wants to move to the cold now. "It's perfect temperature outside." perfect? oh gracious... Maine here I come, with LOTS of layers. We will see where we end up, even if it's cold, Ill be happy. seriously- and i hate the cold. like the bitter windy cold with no snow. And I am sure Ill have my fill of snow within the first frosty weeks. But I have learned something in listening to one of my new favorite songs... "home is wherever i'm with you" Josh changes his mind on a weekly basis on where he wants to live. And it's okay because this son says exactly what i feel. I am home when i am with Josh... wherever we go. It will be home. Because we'll be there together and i love that. so much.

Josh's sister had her baby (finally) this week! She is so precious. we are anxious to get school over with and go meet her before Christmas! Plus the whole family will be there- so Buzz Word throw down is a must. Also, keeping my sis, my sweet niece, my handsome nephew, and brother in prayers. He left for deployment this week. Jay & Savannah say "Daddy went bye-bye on an airplane (he had to fly to San Diego to get to the ship) Their poor little hearts don't understand that he'll be gone for 7 months. My sis is strong though. I know she'll get through it.

I went to visit my best friend in the whole wide world this weekend. It was great- she needed it. i needed it. we needed it. It was a surprise visit too. And she definitely was surprised... she doesn't really like surprises but i did it anyways i think it was a good surprise :) i really hope we live near each other one day. because I love her. and want our kids to grow up together. and i want to take monthly shopping trips with her. and learn to cook and bake things. like cake pops. and have lunches together. and have each other over for dinners. and try to grow flowers in our yards. and go to the beach together. and to see each other be moms. that will be the best. i cannot wait to see her be a mom- i know she is going to be the best ever. and ill be auntie ally to someone else! i love her to death- seriously. i cannot believe that after this long, were still here and when were together, its like we were never apart. It's never awkward. i know God put her in my life for a reason, so we stick together like glue and roll with it. So happy to call her my MOH. thanks Cail for your friendship. It means more than you'll ever know.

Busy week ahead- pre-exam week. I am letting Jesus hold me and carry me through it- otherwise, i'd be down in seconds. So I am prayerfully entering the week in hopes of a desire to succeed and willingness to work. It will be hard but I know if i depend solely on Him- ill make it.

p.s. work crew girls- heard you pushed even when it was hard. im proud of you. you did awesome. love you.

it's cold...

my new family.

this week was Thanksgiving. i am not usually a huge fan of it to be honest. i don't really like turkey (although i have found it's bc i always take the white meat, which i hate.) i mean, i have always loved being with my family and eating my moms dinner, shes a good cook. both my parents were in the Navy so ive lived here almost my whole life and consequently, my family has never lived close by so we never visit family for the holidays. that always made me sad bc i love my family. i remember when i was younger we would visit my Gramma's lake house in the summer. my uncles and my dad would always be drinking beer- which is why i love the smell of beer. my uncle randy- i dont think he was really my uncle, but he would always take us kids tubing. we would wash our hair in the lake (sorry environment.) and we would go fishing off the dock. it was my absolute favorite. but that was summer and not thanksgiving, so it has never been extra special. but this year, i got to go visit family. my new family. joshs family. we laughed and made jokes at Emma and how she is never gonna come out (Emma is Josh's first niece) and ate yummy dinner. it was the first year i actually liked the dark meat turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes! Josh's mom was over from Belgium and his sister Kait came up from Atlanta. so we were missing Steven and Mr. Mike (Josh's dad... i think i am supposed to start calling him Mike.... weird) but it was still really fun. one of my favorite thanksgivings for sure. we played buzz word and Josh's mom knew almost every answer, leaving Kaitlin Josh and I to lose miserably. but our team was fun, because Kait would laugh uncontrollably and could not talk and it was really funny to hear her try. Josh would get really hyped up and sound angry when he really wasn't. and i would do the same ("its Babe.") and Jessica and Robbie know it but they totally won because they got easier cards... like butter? come on. we all laughed really hard and i think the Henderson clan (Brooke and Searcy included) saw a different side of me that night, and i did of them too. Joshs mom fell out of the chair laughing numerous times. we will for sure have a re-match when the others come to town! (Steven- gear up.) After the game, Kait Josh and I , in our defeat perhaps, watched Robin Hood. (the one with Russel Crow- whom i have a new-found love for.) he has a way of making the movie a love story but it's just a side story. not the main plot which i like a lot bc it adds depth to the movie. He is also just a really god actor. I loved that movie- and i love watching movies in general. only at home though.... its too much in a theater and not as comfortable. it was definitely short lived, we had to leave on friday so i could get to work at 4:30. it wasnt as busy as it could have been, but it was good. i raked in some hours. i just can't wait to go back and spend an early Christmas with them and of course meet Emma!!

also- school work? what school work? i took a long break.... 3 more weeks- you can do it Al.
date night tonight- i cannot wait.

my new family.

leading.

i have not posted in a while. partly due to business and partly due to laziness. i also have not had much to say lately. life for us has been kind of crazy for us with school, work, young life, and life in general. I have to admit- I literally have not planned a single thing for the wedding since i got the dress. I have thought about it- but i have not been fretting at all. I do feel like i should be doing something but I have not. I did contact a hotel about blocking off rooms for the wedding, but im all new to this and i do not know what is reasonable for the hotel. i mean, its the outer banks and mid-summer on a weekend, it will be pricey but what if it's too pricey? should i look somewhere else? there is not a plethora of hotels down there, nice ones anyways. plus i know from a lot of people that they plan on getting a house. so im at a stand still. what to do what to do? well- i have taken the "do nothing" stance. don't get me wrong, im so excited to throw a wedding and plan it. ive just been off lately and stressed. adding the pressure of wedding stuff would make me cringe. so, winter break- here i come. with wedding plans in full swing. then comes the small details.

this past weekend Josh and I went to Rockbridge fall weekend camp with the Chesapeake area. It was simply amazing. Weekend camp has such a different vibe and feel to it than summer camp. i mean- its 2 days. its cold (for the most part). and how are you supposed to get to know these high school kids within that time? i do not know how, but somehow it works. the Lord provides the time and patience. I got 9 hours of sleep between friday and saturday night. 3 hours on the first- thats nuts! but we do it- with the Lord as our strength we push through it. I got to spend time with some of the sweetest girls. I did not know most of these girls. and it was a blessing to get to do just that. It was also such a joy to watch my closest friends lead. Especially Josh- he is so great at it. If you knew Josh, you'd know he is pretty outdoorsy. At the ropes course he took some of his guys and wondering around exploring in the creek. One of my dearest friends, a high-school senior Katie Carr, said "they look like the lost boys from peter pan." it was so true. and so encouraging to watch. and to watch the patience of my team, matt, thomas, and ryder with one of the guys. And to watch my friends from other schools go crazy at club- youd think that we were in 5th grade the way we act during club songs. It was seriously the best. Most of the girls i led this weekend were freshman and sophomores. Only a small handful of them know Libby. for our boys vs. girls football game, the girls all wore lime green and we all "were fighting and playing and going to win for Libby!" They said before the would start a play "Come on girls- were winning this for Libby!" It was the sweetest thing ever. Even the other schools from our area wore lime green and they do not know her at all. no juniors went bc of ring dance and only 4 seniors went. so it was a fresh new weekend for me to do with these girls and i have so much joy bc of it. the seniors led so well too. i mean truly- other areas get shocked when they find out we have some students leading cabins (the shortage of girl leaders yet again) they do so great though. i walked out sunday morning to the senior led cabin of girls playing signs in a circle in the grass. i cried tears of joy to know that the Lord worked through them like that. so i thank God for the opportunity and privilege to lead- even though it is hard sometimes and i have to fight for energy and patience. So thank you God- so so much.

We are looking forward to this week so much. A little break to go visit Josh's family for Thanksgiving. His sister is having her baby soon (if Emma will hurry up!) and his mom is visiting from Belgium. A break is what we need- especially Josh from school. Plus I miss his family and have not seen his mom since our engagement. So it should be very exciting!!! We can't wait even more for Christmas because his dad and other sister and her husband will be there to celebrate- plus Emma for sure!

Last note- we took our engagement photos last weekend. Matt Benson, my team-mate, Josh's roommate and on of our dearest friends, took some realllllly good shots. I  love them! I can't wait to post them once he is done!

leading.

rough week.

i really do not have much to say write now- i am in the university library (which is under major construction so its loud and cold in here plus there are maybe two outlet in this entire place. really odu? you couldnt have at least used my tuition money for that?) i am supposed to be working on the loads and loads of homework i have to do, but instead i will be my usual procrastinating self and blog. so here i am blogging. my fingers are frigid. Josh and I were supposed to finish registering this past sunday. i was going to so excited to post about it and how much fun it was. instead i had to work at my new job- New York & Company. its a clothing store. so big thanks to God that i found a job, but i guess that it can only mean i have to start giving up lots of things. I hate hate hate working Sundays- it's the absolute worst I think, but i knew if I didn't open up my availability, I would not get a job.

So yesterday (thursday) was my first official day at work on the sales floor. I was not feeling so great before and did not eat lunch. This is a recipe for disaster for me- no lunch, high heels, bright lights, and running around finding sizes. But it was an on-call shift and they only needed me from 3-5 so I figured it would be fine. At 4 o'clock the hunger set in. As time progressed I felt worse and worse- then I looked in the mirror and I was flushed. I had to push through- I can't lose this job. Well I finally told my manager I felt awful like I was going to pass out. I went to the back room and threw up. Perfect. Oh joy. So my brother picked me up and drove me home. I got sick a couple more times and finally forced myself to eat some chicken noodle soup. I do not know what it was- a virus maybe? Or it could have been all those factors into one. Anyways- my managers were really cool about it so I am thankful for that. Josh came over when he got out of class and took care of me- got me water and made sure I was okay. It was really sweet- I appreciate that more than he knows because I know he has stress levels past his ears this week with the school work he has. I have a ton too. This week has been stocked and loaded with school work for us. I didn't do any of it like I planned last night. I got my test scores for microecon back last night and seriously wanted to cry but i was too angry to. I studied my eyes off for this test because of my last grade and thought I did well. I only got 3 points higher than the last. This class is literally KILLING me. I am not giving up yet- i will get a tutor, put the next 300 test bank questions on flash cards and drill, and make an A on my project. I am determined because I would die if I had to take this again.

Next week will hopefully be a bit of a break for us. Josh's mom is coming over from Belgium for Thanksgiving and were going up for a few days- plus his sister is having her first baby! So we are hoping it come just in time for us to be there! We are super excited about that! Hopefully we can rest up and take our minds off of stuff for a bit.

rough week.

learning.

i am continually learning that marriage is work. we're not married yet i know- but we're working toward that goal and it is work. sometimes easier than others and sometimes really really hard. i read this thing on the internet once about marriage, it said this:

"Before I got married, I prayed that we would always feel in love.
I now realize what a naive prayer that was. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But the ooshy gooshy feelings aren't always there. They get tangled up and sometimes tossed aside in the pressures of everyday life.
That's where our love becomes a choice. A choice to step outside selfish perceptions, on going frustrations, the self-centered right to be right and make the choice to love even when our feelings beg us not to.
During the past 17 years, there have been times where we made the choice to hang on when our love was but the tiniest of threads. Other times our love seemed so strong it was inconceivable it should ever unravel.
Most days, our love has been a choice to get up everyday and retie the knots that bind us.The beautiful thing about making the choice to love, is the feelings often catch up rushing in taking us by surprise."


i loved this. i needed to hear this at that time too- i mean this was so long ago i emailed this to josh. and i just thought of it the other day. its been rough lately. ive been whiney and hes been impatient. its hard. i dont think ive been honest with really anyone lately. people ask "how are you" all the time- such a popular phrase, i must say it 20 times a day. but when i sit back and really think of my answer, its not what i usually say "im doing well." no. im not. things are a mess and my heart hurts and its hard. school is so rough, young life is hard, relationships are hard, its all hard. thats what i want to scream sometimes. it is hard. life. i know i know- so what? eveyones life is tough, get over it Al. well, im learning. im living and learning and trying so hard to understand why God has out me in these circumstances. i need to just accept it. im at where im at in life for a reason and even though its hard- im pushing through. 


i think its been especially tough lately because i have not been relying on jesus for this. i am lonely, i am scared, i feel like a burden to pretty much everyone in my life, i feel like a pointless leader, i feel my efforts are dull and lame, i just feel bad sometimes. so instead of running to jesus- i run away and hide myself in the midst of the craziness of life. and things progressively get worse because of  this. i mean- i know the answer in my head- "ally, run to jesus, cast your burdens on him." but its not that simple- really its not. its hard to run to someone you feel like isnt always there- i know he is- but sometimes i feel like if no one else cares, why should he? the creator of the universe? are you insane? me? ME? yes me. he created me. all of me, and no matter what i am HIS. his alone. on July 24 2011, God will share me with Josh, but until then i am my beloved and my beloved is mine.and josh will never know me on as deep of an intimate level as the lord does. i know this... i also have found that when josh and i are not right with the Lord- we are not right with each other. jesus is what binds us together- without him, i can promise you josh and i would be completely wrong for each other. i could give you a list, but ill spare you the details. just trust me- we would have broken up a long time ago if it weren't for christ. i love that about us- it shows that we are too weak to take this marriage on ourselves- it would be a complete and utter failure without christ. so when were off with jesus, were off with each other. and that has been our issue lately. so, we talked today in-between classes. about life and where were at- and what we need to do to fix this. so our solution? point to chirst and christ alone. were holding each other accountable to that- christ. first and foremost.


so J- i tell you this: i love you- our strands may be loose right now, but know this: you still take my breathe away. lets fix it and point each other to christ more than ever. 

learning.

college- i hate that i hate it.

So i have wanted to blog lately- ive thought about it for a couple days.... i thought... what should i blog about? my life isnt that cool- but it is. bc Christ leads it so here i am... blogging.

this week has been hard to say the least. ive gotten some midterm tests back and they havnt been that great- i mean, it hasnt been awful, but you know when youre thinking "oh i have this class in the bag... nbd." then you get the grade back and its disappointing. im doing a mediocre job in my classes, and thats not okay. i have to do more- i cannot afford to retake anything or have a low gpa. i wont stand for it. microeconomics is KILLING me. i mean literally- my professor is just awful, the class itself and the material are awful. its double awful and its extremely hard- im a history major for a reason. math and business stuff does not compute in my head.... like at all. So that midterm was the worst- and so was the grade. However- on a good note, i met with my TA and my grade was above the average grade... that just goes to show the works of the professor. So im staying put and i just received todays quiz grade back... 100%. see? improvement already. let's just hope and pray for an A on this next test!

Also- met with my advisor yesterday afternoon and found out im taking a class that i didnt even need. it wont go toward anything. you have no idea how angry this makes me... like im so mad. over the summer, ODU was in the process of switching history academic advisors and what not. I saw two different advisors in 2 weeks and neither of them could have told me that the class i signed up for was a waste of my time and money? no. so, i have to work hard in the class so it just goes toward my gpa. The worse news? this may have just set me back a semester. the plan- our plan, is warped. i know jesus is in this but its extremely hard to deal with the fact. i dont want to be in college. i hate college. most people love college- the fun the friends. but i dont have a fun college life with friends that ill have for life. it wasnt in the cards for me and is extremely hard to deal with- but i do. so for me college is just school, classes, tests, pens, and pencils. nothing good or fun. just a peice of paper that will tell people "give me money bc i paid and worked my way through college." i hate that about college- but i do it anyway. so someone telling me that it may cost me another semester because of someones careless mistakes and misguidance makes me so furious.

i trust jesus though- i really do. joshs reaction was so sweet- he calmed me down and said "if we have to live here for another year, then thats okay. well be together and well be okay. jesus has our plan.... lets just go with it." youre right j- i know you are. so thanks for leading me like that...


side note: i carpooled to school with josh monday, totally forgetting about my tb test result read at 1pm. so i missed it bc i cant drive stick and josh had to go to class.... so another go around friday. well see how it goes this time.
also- Libby, one of my dearest friends with lymphoma got some awesome pet scan results back- chemo is responding extremely well in her body! praise jesus!!!

college- i hate that i hate it.

TB & date night...

well- friday was an interesting day for me. i had my classes and then had to go to the dr to get a tb/ppd test. nbd right? well not for me i guess. i don't like shots- i never have, i always put up a fight. but ive been learning to suck it up. so i go to the lab and the lady has the "stuff" all set out. i tell her "i dont really like shots, but i know this isnt really even a real one- it just goes under your skin right?" she said yes and got started. it didnt hurt- just a little pinch and 5 seconds later it was over. i said "not too bad" as soon as i uttered those words she asks "are you alright?" my face went flush. uhhhh- no....  i felt so weird and dizzy all of a sudden- i wanted to throw up. if i had of eaten lunch im sure i would have. my breathing started to become really heavy- i get panic attacks too, so this was kind of familiar- but the dizziness and tightness i felt was not familiar. a nurse came in and my blood pressure had shot down- way down. the wheeled me to another room- monitored my blood pressure and gave me a freezie-pop. yumm- she even got my fav color. josh told me earlier that he had to lay don after his too and he got a popsicle too. so i sent him a pic- i look pitiful- but i knew that josh loves my pitiful face. he calls me pitiful all the time- which is ironic. when i was little, my mom called me her pita. cute right? a little nickname for her baby girl. i used this nickname to sign all my cards. i loved it- my sister was jealous of my nickname. well- when i was 16, i found out where the name came from. its not pita- its p.i.t.a. it stands for something- pain in the a**. yup- that was my nickname bc i was the worst little baby ever. its okay- ive learned to embrace it and josh will make fun of it a lot- which is funny bc i know that sometimes i really am a p.i.t.a. movie quotes are pretty dumb and cliche i know- but this reminds me of one of my fav movies the notebook.Noah: "You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a b**** and I tell you when you are a pain in the a**. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing."


i love you J- thanks for putting up with my crazy little self- even when im a bbb :)

Me eating my freezie pop.... yumm :)

So last night, Josh and I went on a date. a real date. like he picked me up, went to dinner, dropped me off the whole shabang. it was so good- we havnt done that in forever it feels like. we are two very busy people. so he got off of work and we went to dinner. now most people on a date will go to a fancy sit down restaurant. not us- we went to el poyo loco. the crazy chicken. its a mexican flame grilled chicken fast food place. so so good- i love that about us. i was content going there too- i mean not to say i would mind p.f. changs once in a while but this is our place. we love going to va beach and grabbing the chicken tacos and churros. we save money- eat food we love- and just can be together. after dinner we went to the beach. we went to the 1st street jetty and sat on our rock. we sat on this rock 2 years before talking about us and how we have developed feelings for eachother. its where we had our first kiss- i love it there. we havn't really been back there for a long while- maybe even since then. it was nice to sit and talk and be in the familiar of when we first started dating. it was getting pretty chilly (i was freezing- josh was chilly) we drove to strawbridge movie theater and saw the social network. great movie btw. we smuggled in frosted animal crackers, take 5, and chocolate milk... delicious. the night was perfect.

when we got to my house- we had a real hard conversation. one of the most real ones in a while. i won't disclaim all over the internet everything about it- but i will share this. when i was in high school- i had this idea of love. i thought that love should be easy. it come naturally and it is effortless. i should love him and he should love me and it should be painless and easy. it's not. love takes work. it's easy to plant a seed but in order for it to grow- you have to nurture it. there may be dry seasons too- where youre in love but you dont feel in love. its a hard realization. you think you know someone- but you never really do. i realize that as life goes on- i will always always always be learning about josh. dont get me wrong- love is amazing. really it is- i couldnt imagine not being in love anymore. ill always love josh- no matter what. i just mean that its not movie savvy- its real life and it takes time and work to grow and work on love. its so worth it too- the pay off is amazing. josh loves me so well and i feel like i do too- its just a matter of continuing to learn new ways to love and how to better the other ways. i love josh with all of my heart- i know i could live life without him and be okay bc i have jesus- but it wouldnt feel right without him. i love you josh- glad we can be real and honest with each other.

TB & date night...

carsick?

Okay so last weekend, Josh and I got to catch up with two of our best friends. John Carr and Katie Meehan... love them. On the way there- we ate chick-fil-a. Not a good choice for me right when were about to go on a windy back country mountain road. About 2 mins before we got there, I got sick... really sick. Soory Matt for throwing up in your car- at least i made the bag. I always get nausios on car rides but never have i gotten truly sick like that- Josh didn't believe me when i said over and over "i feel sick- im going to throw up." he siad "it's okay- youll be okay." well i was okay- but i was right. he was right too- i never get sick and always say i am going too- so next time we'll know.

 Katie has become one of my best friends in a short period of time. I am a pretty-to-myslef person. Over the past couple years, I've built walls- and so it's strange for me to have such a close friend so fast. I love our relationship- we are so blunt and real with eachother, and in such a loving way.i need that. we need that- we all do. we giggle- a lot too. which i also need (refer to my previous post about laughter) we're crazy. and i love her and miss her. John has been best friends with Josh for a long time- they are funny together. I don't always get it- but i love watching them interact. boys being friends has always been kinda weird and funny to me- they are just so different than girls, but i love watching Josh with his closest friends. And John is definitely one of them. They joke they laugh and most of all they surf. Josh loves surfing- he really LOVES it. His dream? Living within a short bike ride to the beach, owning a little shack for us to live in (not a crappy shack, a cute humble craftsmen style beach abode), doing ministry with high school guys, and raising children to be little shredders too. OBX preferred living location. So what do i say to that? YES. i'll go wherever he goes- that is wherever the Lord calls us to. He wants to start Young Life in the OBX and i love that idea. He is so passionate about it and keeps thinking of ways that he can raise money to do so. as long as i'm living my life serving Christ with the man i love- i'm okay wherever we go. OBX? yes. Wilmington? sure. NYC? okay. Antartica? uhhh.... okay i guess (haha) seriously though- and thats a part of how i know christ has changed me. The OBX is pretty secluded... a whole lot of nothing and i am not a content person... i mean i get bored easily. But i know that wherever Josh goes- i go, and the lord will alter me and change me to live in such a place. So a big prayer for us right now is contacting people about how to go about starting a YL in OBX... also that First Flight High School will need a couple history teachers in a couple years.

love you J- 267 days.

carsick?